Kids Say the Darndest Things Part 2

In case you guys haven’t had enough of the hilarious musings and mistakes my kids make, I’ve got some more for you. The last entry focused on things they said, and this post will be mostly things they’ve written. A lot of these come from diaries they have to write every week on a topic of their choosing. They often just tell me what they did over the weekend. Some of it comes from homework or in-class assignments. But I also remembered some more funny things they’ve said, and it would be a shame to keep them to myself, so I’ll probably add those in as well. Enjoy!

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So my first kinders and I would go through this routine every week where I would give them their new vocabulary word, ask them to spell it and then ask them what it means. After awhile, it got to the point where I would say, “What is a _________?” And they would respond, “You are a __________.” One week one of their vocabulary words was tool. I’m sure you can guess what happened next.

Me: What is a tool?

Heidi (7): You are a tool. (Well played, small child, well played.)

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My kinders and I were reading a story about – well, I don’t remember what. But the important thing is that there were ROBBERS in the house.

Homework Question: What was in the house?

Alfred (7): There were rubbers in the house. (I understand this means something very different in other English speaking countries that makes it significantly less funny. In America, rubbers are condoms.)

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Ellie (8): I want stank (steak) for dinner.

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One day in class, we were learning about jobs. I was asking them all what their parents did. Robin (aka my 7-year-old love guru) tells me that his dad made Orlando. I was like, “Uh, I’m pretty sure that’s not true. That city has been around a lot longer than your dad. And it’s in America. I’m pretty sure your dad’s never been there.” He looked at me like I was crazy and said, “My dad is an engineer. Orlando is a car, not a city.” I informed him that it was, in fact, a city (Which he found hilarious. I mean really, who names a city Orlando? I’m looking at you, Gangnam.). So then later on in the week they had to write about what their parents did. This is what Robin wrote:” My dad made Orlando (not a city, it’s a car).” Just in case I was still unclear on the subject.

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Amy: I also gave a love massage. (love message)

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My older students have to write summaries every week on a topic of either my choosing or my supervisor’s choosing. The topic question is almost always followed by, “And why?” to encourage them to expound upon their answers. One particularly lazy student named Haley (11) – which is pronounced Hallie. God forbid you should actually call her Haley – in an effort to reach her required assignment length, ended every summary by directing the question towards me and following it up with, “And why?” Like she fully expected me to answer. Sometimes I did.

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John (11 – about his trip to China): It was very fun but the foods were sucks.

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Lauren: Your hair is popular. (Isn’t it just?)

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Diary: I slept with my cousin. (had a sleep over)

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Diary: I slept with my family. (Families often sleep in the same room in Korea, or at least multiple family members will.)

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Diary: I went to clarinet institute because my mother said, “you are good at blowing on things.” (I know, I have the mind of a 12-year-old boy.)

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Diary: My parents procreated me.

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Amy (12): My friend is stupid. I want her to be smart. If she gets smart I will make her my best friend at school.

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Diary: Because my points looked like really excrements.

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Spencer (11): I have a long rod, so I will sell it. (Again, mind of a 12-year-old.)

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Aspen (12): I would like to eat the famous French. (She means the famous French cuisine.)

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Gloria (11): My body was uglied. (I was sick)

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Diary: I am heartaching.

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Jack (12): New Year’s Resolutions:

1. I will study harder than now (important).

2. I will play guitar and practice harder than now.

3. I won’t fight with my friends (important).

4. I will take care of my dog (important).

5. I will save money for my future (important).

6. I will fatten and grow taller (very important).

7. I will meet my girlfriend (not important).

8. I will be more kind than now.

9. I will play computer games until I reach level 120 (not important).

10. I will obey these resolutions.

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Diary: I am spew very hard. (I threw up.)

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Spencer (11): First, I want to be a lawyer so I can rake in the money so I can be rich.

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Robin (7): Homework is the worst study ever. (No doubt, kid.)

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David (8): I am as happy as happy can be. (Seriously, where do they get this stuff?)

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One of my older kids wrote this on a sentence test. The word they had to use was loneliness.: He feels loneliness, so he drinks wine.

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I realized in class one day that instead of saying yes, I often say, “Yeah.” It occurred to me that I had never explained what that meant. I just kind of assumed they knew. So one day I decided to ask them if they knew what “yeah” meant. To my surprise, they told me they didn’t. So I explained that it simply meant yes. They seemed to think I had just taught them the most amazing word in the English language and began shouting it for no apparent reason. Except when they say it, it comes out more like, “Yaw!” So it really sounded like they were trying to wrangle cattle. I wish I’d gotten a video of it.

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Ryan (10): I like one girl. She is pretty. She like to me. She is very pretty. She is nice girl. She not speak F word. (Never mind this kid “speak F word” ALL. THE. TIME.)

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One day I was handing back tests to my older students. I gave Lindsay (11) hers back and she puts her hand over her face and says, “Shitty!” I looked at her and said, “Excuse me?” She looked at me and said very matter-of-factly,”Shitty. It’s like shit. I made it up.”

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And there you have it, friends. Those are all of my stories for now. But I’ve just signed a contract for next year, so there will be more to come!

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