Kids Say the Darndest Things…

As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, my kids are hilarious. Almost as hilarious as me. Maybe. I guess I’ll let you be the judge of that. I had to start keeping post-it notes in my teacher basket to write down all of the hilarious things they said. Throughout the course of the year, only one class got hip to my note taking. I’ve been saving them since last year (I seriously have four pages of quotes typed up) and have been meaning to do a series of posts about them, but like I said in my last post, I’ve been lazy. So I guess the series of posts begins now. Some of the quotes will need a little translating. I only learned a little bit of Korean last year but, fortunately for you guys, I’m totally fluent in Konglish. I’ll start you off with some of my favorite misspellings:

canrats = carrots

apple tite = appetite

Catorick churche – Catholic church

French flies = French fries

cocorage = cockroach

umvellibubble = unbelievable (totes my fave)

Lingkyn = Lincoln

bulad = blood

vagitavle = vegetable (a very close second)

roerrcoaster = roller coaster

once upond = once upon

blowme = bloom

mitten test = midterm test

Earth ball = globe (not a misspelling, but still hilarious)

 
And now for some of my favorite quotes. I am putting their age next to their name to give it a little more context. I should probably preface this by saying I have some classes that I blatantly lie to, as you will see.  Also, some students are clearly much funnier than others. Those of you familiar with my Facebook posts should note that Robin is the kid I usually refer to as my 7- year-old love guru (you’ll see why shortly).

Me (to Robin after misbehaving): Do I need to make you stay for 2 minutes after the bell rings?

Robin (7): That means you are killing me one more time!

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Anthony (8): Statue of Lavratory (Statue of Liberty)

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Me: I like tall boys.

Amy (7): Maybe you should marry giraffe.

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Me (teasing a boy who is usually really on top of things): Sean, get your life together.

Robin (7) (in mocking voice): Sean, don’t just get your jacket, get your life, too. (What? Who is this kid?!)

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Mitchel (8): What the devil?! (Seriously, where on earth did he pick that up?!)

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Robin (7): Megan will destroy students with lots of homework.

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Sally (10): Rest in space (peace).

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9 Class (7): Homework, homework, no one wants to do the homework. (To the tune of Beat It)

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Spencer (11): Shut up your mouth!

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Anthony (8): Look at my new butthole (bottle).

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Me: I’m never wrong.

Amy (7): You are smart, but you can’t see everything. (Ouch, kid.)

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Sean (7): Amy is touching Robin!

Me: Amy is touching Robin’s pencil case. Let’s be clear about that.

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9 Class (7): Sean is the meth king (math king).

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Spencer (11): God loves us. God is gay.

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This next ones stems from me calling them slowpokes:

Robin (7): Girl is fast poke, boy is slowpoke.

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Sean (7): Die person go to…die person go to hell!

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Ben (8): I go bitch (I went to the beach).

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The two are playing a one-upping game:

Sean (7): I will be the god. (And by the god, he really just means God.)

Robin (7): I will be the… godfather!

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Spencer (11): Romance movies are so buttery(cheesy).

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Me: I’m the king of everything.

Robin (7): I will call to Obama and tell him to think about that.

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So, this next quote came about because the class was using waited in their sentence and I was trying to prompt them to change it to waiting. After several incorrect guesses, Eliza (8) raises her hand VERY enthusiastically and says, “I know! Waited-ed-ed!” Sorry kid, better luck next time.

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For the next one, we were learning about sports, and I asked them what was their favorite sport to play in P.E. Robin (7) told me that he doesn’t like any sports. I said, “None?!” He said, “I like fighting.” I responded, “They let you fight in gym class?” He told me proudly, “Yes. I am the best boy fighter in my class.” I teased him, asking. “Wait, there is a girl that is a better fighter than you?” He responded (with an evil grin on his face), “She had (has) a lot of power, but I can mess with her.” No doubt kid, no doubt.

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I was trying to explain election day to my kindergarteners (bear in mind their limited vocabulary) and I said, “Today is a very special day in America. Today we choose a new king.” Angela, my favorite of the little nuggets, shouts out, “I choose Megan!” Sorry Obama, I’ve got news for you…

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This was my very first quote. I had only been teaching for a few weeks. I was hurrying my then kindergarteners through something because we were running short on time. Robin (7) looked up at me and said, “Megan, you are not being patient with me.” I was stunned. I responded, “Fair enough. Take your time.” A week or so later, Robin was hurrying me because he knew that if we finished early we were going to play a game. I turned to him, fully expecting this to go right over his head, and said, “Robin, you are not being patient with me.” He looked at me for a second, and then busted up laughing. I couldn’t believe it! It totally became a long-running joke between the two of us. I heart this kid right in the face.

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That same class also liked to discuss (at great length) my love life. After what they think is several months of me being single (they would be SO disappointed in Megan Teacher if they knew how long it had really been), Robin (7) gave me some advice. He told me, “I will give you ‘Megan’s Project.’ Number 1: Be clean.” Apparently my showering skills leave something to be desired. “Number 2: More this (as he waves his hands over his face).” I ask, “You mean make-up?” “YES! Number 3:Wear beautiful clothes.” Clearly, my wardrobe is also quite lacking. “Number 4: Diet.” Ouch. “Number 5: Give to him a rose. Then you can kiss to him, marry to him, and lay a baby.” Yes, you read that correctly. And everyday for nearly 2 months they asked me if I was working on my project. Eventually I think they, much like my mother, decided it was an exercise in futility and accepted my future as a crazy cat lady. So I lied to them and told them Joe was my boyfriend. I hated letting them down. So now they think Megan Teacher is off in America planning her wedding and then I’m moving to England. At least my imaginary life is awesome.

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I should warn you that this next portion is rated R for adult content. I’m sure you’re thinking, “They’re children. How bad can it possibly be?” Bad. I assure you. This is the class that is mad at me because I won’t tell them what word is worse than the F word. Also, after telling this story numerous times, I’ve discovered that there are an alarming number of people that don’t know what that word is. If you don’t know, I’m not telling you, either. Anyway, here’s how the conversation went down. Spencer (11) asked, “Teacher, what does fuck mean?” To which I responded, “I canNOT tell you that and for the love of god and all that is holy, stop saying that in class.” His classmates proceeded to explain to him in Korean what it was in terms of “that’s how babies are made.” So he asked me, “So I can do this when I want to make a baby?” I replied, “You can do this when you are married.” He said, “I want to get married, but I DON’T want to do that.” Wait a couple of years kid, wait a couple of years.

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Stay tuned for for Part 2 of Kids Say the Darndest Things…

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